Monday, March 08, 2004

My toilet overfloweth...

I have determined that one of the most maddening, helpless feelings is that of trying to stop an overflowing toilet, and just not being able to.

My house is charming and old, and I'm sure it has lots of stories in its walls. Some of its stories, I think, are so chunky they're clogging up the toilet. I'm not sure if roots have wound their way into the plumbing, or if years of waste removal have gummed up the works, or if I just have cranky pipes, but the toilet loves to overflow. And, perhaps most maddeningly, for no apparent reason.

Now, there are times where you watch for an "overflow situation." You know when there's a big Code Brown in your bowl and you'd better supervise the removal of it. But, when there's nothing but liquid seeking suction down the pipes, you are pretty complacent. See, this is when my toilet bares its teeth and attacks. In my naivete, I will flush and begin to wash my hands and, all of a sudden, I'll realize something doesn't sound right, so I flip up the lid with my dripping hands, and there is the flood, two millimeters from the surface, with no hope for mitigation.

Damn. Shit. Damn. SHIT!

And it flows and flows, merrily trickling down the sides of the bowl, until it (seemingly spontaneously) decides, "Ha-HAH! We have toyed with you enough, it's time to flush now." And the whole bowlful seems to laugh at me as it swooshes oh-so-cooperatively down the drain...and I'm left frantically swiping at the tides with my completely inadequate bathroom rag-rug, swearing like a true pirate who accidentally wiped with the hook. Arrrrrrr....


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